I wonder, will this even show up?
Honored Sir:
The Amalgamated Paper Clip and Rubber Band Company has always been a very prestigious organization, though we do not, as a rule, seek publicity. No, our little duty is performed for mankind unobtrusively and unostentatiously. We do not seek praise from others, though that is not to say we don't deserve mankind's thanks!--yet we modestly carry out our job and keep America whole and well and supplied with its most basic needs. If you would like to invest in our company, you would be making the best decision you could possibly make. We are truly a company that is up-and-coming...we are rising in the world, and we want YOU to rise with us! With your prestige and our financial security, we could make an unbeatable team. Please also consider us when you next make donations to worthy causes. You might also want to consider looking into our Abbreviated Alternative American Dictionary, which is one of our subsidiaries. Please send any donations to:
Amalgamated Paper Clip and Rubber Band Co.
c/o Jamie Smith, Jr., Suite 1
99999 Shakespeare Lane
Whoville, TX 79233
Yes, yes, I completely understand your aversion to mentioning that coarse and common subject of m-o-n-e-y. We are men of sensitivity and social standing. Such things are too base for us to mention. So let me propose, then, an alternative. I have at my disposal a fairly large number of bonds available from the Amalgamated P. C. and R. B. Company. We would be extremely pleased for you to accept these in remuneration for Liechtenstein. We are SO sure of your satisfaction that we are currently offering a two-for-one deal...we will give you TWICE the amount of stock in our company if you act now!
Please let us know of any further service we can render you--we remain
Sincerely and gratefully yours,
J. K. Whippplesnatch, of the Amalgamated Paper Clip and Rubber Band Co. and Abbreviated Alternative American Dictionary Co.
The Amalgamated Paper Clip and Rubber Band Company has always been a very prestigious organization, though we do not, as a rule, seek publicity. No, our little duty is performed for mankind unobtrusively and unostentatiously. We do not seek praise from others, though that is not to say we don't deserve mankind's thanks!--yet we modestly carry out our job and keep America whole and well and supplied with its most basic needs. If you would like to invest in our company, you would be making the best decision you could possibly make. We are truly a company that is up-and-coming...we are rising in the world, and we want YOU to rise with us! With your prestige and our financial security, we could make an unbeatable team. Please also consider us when you next make donations to worthy causes. You might also want to consider looking into our Abbreviated Alternative American Dictionary, which is one of our subsidiaries. Please send any donations to:
Amalgamated Paper Clip and Rubber Band Co.
c/o Jamie Smith, Jr., Suite 1
99999 Shakespeare Lane
Whoville, TX 79233
Yes, yes, I completely understand your aversion to mentioning that coarse and common subject of m-o-n-e-y. We are men of sensitivity and social standing. Such things are too base for us to mention. So let me propose, then, an alternative. I have at my disposal a fairly large number of bonds available from the Amalgamated P. C. and R. B. Company. We would be extremely pleased for you to accept these in remuneration for Liechtenstein. We are SO sure of your satisfaction that we are currently offering a two-for-one deal...we will give you TWICE the amount of stock in our company if you act now!
Please let us know of any further service we can render you--we remain
Sincerely and gratefully yours,
J. K. Whippplesnatch, of the Amalgamated Paper Clip and Rubber Band Co. and Abbreviated Alternative American Dictionary Co.
My dearest duncical sir,
We apologize for being so lax in replying to you. The man you wrote to will happily never write again. His was an unhappy end for himself, and yet a very satisfactory end for the oppressed people of Liechtenstein. The former ruler of Liechtenstein,
Pieter J. L. P. E. Q. Z. E. E. C. D. S. Friedrich Alfaninffe Lancaster Limdadedude, Jr.
the III,
the XIV,
the L,
the XXX,
the XCIX,
the CDLXXIII,
and the MCCCLXXXVIII,
Esquire, King, Fuhrer, Magnate, Baron, Czar, Mogul, Tycoon, Monarch, Sovereign, Despot, Duce, Tyrant,
Dictator of Liechtenstein,
Commander-in-Chief of the Massive Massed Hordes of Barbaric and Ferocious Furious Fighting Armies, Navies, Air-Forces, and Marines of Liechtenstein,
and Proud Possessor of the Indocilis Refractariolus Haedilia Title as Bequeathed in Honor of Services Rendered,
currently rots in Hell. May he rest in peace.
The land of Liechtenstein is now free from tyranny. Ours shall be a great existence, never again to be hindered by oppression or repression of a suppresser. Long live the free nation of Liechtenstein!
Yours, William Wallace (having freed Scotland, I figured Liechtenstein could use a hand...yeah, I know, I was dead, but modern medicine works wonders...)
We apologize for being so lax in replying to you. The man you wrote to will happily never write again. His was an unhappy end for himself, and yet a very satisfactory end for the oppressed people of Liechtenstein. The former ruler of Liechtenstein,
Pieter J. L. P. E. Q. Z. E. E. C. D. S. Friedrich Alfaninffe Lancaster Limdadedude, Jr.
the III,
the XIV,
the L,
the XXX,
the XCIX,
the CDLXXIII,
and the MCCCLXXXVIII,
Esquire, King, Fuhrer, Magnate, Baron, Czar, Mogul, Tycoon, Monarch, Sovereign, Despot, Duce, Tyrant,
Dictator of Liechtenstein,
Commander-in-Chief of the Massive Massed Hordes of Barbaric and Ferocious Furious Fighting Armies, Navies, Air-Forces, and Marines of Liechtenstein,
and Proud Possessor of the Indocilis Refractariolus Haedilia Title as Bequeathed in Honor of Services Rendered,
currently rots in Hell. May he rest in peace.
The land of Liechtenstein is now free from tyranny. Ours shall be a great existence, never again to be hindered by oppression or repression of a suppresser. Long live the free nation of Liechtenstein!
Yours, William Wallace (having freed Scotland, I figured Liechtenstein could use a hand...yeah, I know, I was dead, but modern medicine works wonders...)
To Whom it May Concern c/o William Wallace, the preserver of Liechtenstein and Scotland:
I appreciate your (relatively) prompt response informing me of the change in Liechtenstein's administration. I am at a loss as to what I shall tell Mr. J. K. Whippplesnatch Esq.--perhaps you could suggest something. Is Liechtenstein still available to lease for the very generous (on our part) compensation agreed upon? Is the current management of Liechtenstein honoring the commitments made by the previous despot? I believe ours was an unwritten agreement, which perhaps may cause technical difficulties, but I firmly believe that Liechtenstein is honor-bound to fulfill its side of the contract. I will discuss the matter with Mr. Whippplesnatch--it is possible he may no longer feel any compunction to lease Liechtenstein after the abrupt social and bureaucratic changes that have occurred.
If you will kindly answer the questions above I will pass the information along to Mr. Whippplesnatch, and shortly thereafter will inform the people of Liechtenstein if we are still interested in pursuing the (as the vulgar put it) "deal".
Yours respectfully,
J. Snarguss, secretary of
Mr. J. K. Whippplesnatch Esq. Founder of the Amalgamated Paper Clip and Rubber Band Company
I appreciate your (relatively) prompt response informing me of the change in Liechtenstein's administration. I am at a loss as to what I shall tell Mr. J. K. Whippplesnatch Esq.--perhaps you could suggest something. Is Liechtenstein still available to lease for the very generous (on our part) compensation agreed upon? Is the current management of Liechtenstein honoring the commitments made by the previous despot? I believe ours was an unwritten agreement, which perhaps may cause technical difficulties, but I firmly believe that Liechtenstein is honor-bound to fulfill its side of the contract. I will discuss the matter with Mr. Whippplesnatch--it is possible he may no longer feel any compunction to lease Liechtenstein after the abrupt social and bureaucratic changes that have occurred.
If you will kindly answer the questions above I will pass the information along to Mr. Whippplesnatch, and shortly thereafter will inform the people of Liechtenstein if we are still interested in pursuing the (as the vulgar put it) "deal".
Yours respectfully,
J. Snarguss, secretary of
Mr. J. K. Whippplesnatch Esq. Founder of the Amalgamated Paper Clip and Rubber Band Company
Sir William:
It gives me pleasure, good sir,
To hear of thy reknown,
That with thy noble hand
Though hast unseated the fool,
The traitor, that some call Pieter.
And now, with weeping eye
And grateful heart and tongue
I let thee know at last
That now thy job is done.
Fly back to Scotland, man!
She needs thee more than this
Fair country, for this land
Has found a better king
And ruler of the folk--
His name be Willy Shakespeare,
And I be he.
Therefore, now, get thee gone!
I know thou will't not give
Me any trouble, for thou know'st
How much I need this place--
A poor writer of plays and poesy
Who puts the quill to parchment
And satisfies a few
With his poor entertainment.
But I need room to work--
Thy goodness I implore!
The inn where I abide
Is, haply, far too small
And so I send thee word
That I, within this week
Shall come and oust thy armies
And thy good self along
If I find thee not gone.
So get thee to a nunnery,
Or seek for fame and glory--
By the beard of Prester John!
I care not what thee do
As long as it be far
And far away from me
For I need peace and quiet.
I give thee a fortnight--
(Signed)
William Shakespeare, Bard
It gives me pleasure, good sir,
To hear of thy reknown,
That with thy noble hand
Though hast unseated the fool,
The traitor, that some call Pieter.
And now, with weeping eye
And grateful heart and tongue
I let thee know at last
That now thy job is done.
Fly back to Scotland, man!
She needs thee more than this
Fair country, for this land
Has found a better king
And ruler of the folk--
His name be Willy Shakespeare,
And I be he.
Therefore, now, get thee gone!
I know thou will't not give
Me any trouble, for thou know'st
How much I need this place--
A poor writer of plays and poesy
Who puts the quill to parchment
And satisfies a few
With his poor entertainment.
But I need room to work--
Thy goodness I implore!
The inn where I abide
Is, haply, far too small
And so I send thee word
That I, within this week
Shall come and oust thy armies
And thy good self along
If I find thee not gone.
So get thee to a nunnery,
Or seek for fame and glory--
By the beard of Prester John!
I care not what thee do
As long as it be far
And far away from me
For I need peace and quiet.
I give thee a fortnight--
(Signed)
William Shakespeare, Bard
Special News Bulletin from the Front!
War Correspondent J. Higginbottom Reporting--
Friday, May 30, 2003
J. Higginbottom: This morning, at approximately 10:30, General Shakespeare marched into Liechtenstein with his troops. The streets were lined with cheering crowds! Flags waving, troops marching, and the General brandishing his immortal pen--it was truly a momentous moment! The troops were nowhere to be seen--
(voice from the background): What--? I thought they were all marching and--
Higginbottom: William Wallace's troops. It was OUR troops that were marching and--
(voice): Oh. Well, proceed.
Higginbottom: Thank you. As I was saying, our troops were the only ones visible, in a manner of speaking. Though it had been rumored that William Wallace, that famous (or, some say, infamous) protector of Scotland, had migrated over to Liechtenstein and there amassed a great army, these reports were clearly exaggerated. When asked where Wallace's army was, the citizens of Liechtenstein refrained from comment--
(voice): Refrained?
Higginbottom: Refrained. And you instructed us NOT to use force, Mr.--
(voice): No names please.
Higginbottom. Right, sir. So we abandoned our attempts to question the Liechtensteiners, and instead made a close inspection of the enemy headquarters.
(voice, surprised): You FOUND their headquarters?
Higginbottom: Yes, sir. Yes, we found them--it, I mean. It was cleverly camouflaged as a Cracker Factory.
*pause*
(voice, quietly): A PEANUT-BUTTER Cracker Factory?
Higginbottom, surprised: Why, actually, yes, sir. It was. How did you--
(voice, even more quietly): Adjoining the Happy Egg Farm?
Higginbottom: Well, as a matter of fact, it WAS--
(voice, strangled with emotion): No. No, I won't believe it. I will NOT believe that one of our own Special Agents--
Higginbottom: Spies, sir.
(voice): --Special Agents could be so incompetent. It just isn't POSSIBLE.
Higginbottom: Sir?
(voice): Why, you idiot! You stumbled on Pieter J. L. P. E. Q. Z. E. E. C. D. S. Friedrich Alfaninffe Lancaster Limdadedude, Jr.
the III, the XIV, the L, the XXX, the XCIX, the CDLXXIII, and the MCCCLXXXVIII,
Esquire, King, Fuhrer, Magnate, Baron, Czar, Mogul, Tycoon, Monarch, Sovereign,
Despot, Duce, Tyrant, Dictator of Liechtenstein,
and Commander-in-Chief of the Massive Massed Hordes of Barbaric and Ferocious Furious Fighting Armies, Navies, Air-Forces, and Marines of Liechtenstein,
Proud Possessor of the Indocilis Refractariolus Haedilia Title as Bequeathed in Honor of Services Rendered's headquarters, and you LET HIM GET AWAY!
Higginbottom: But sir, we were told he was dead and--er...well...dead. We didn't EXPECT him to be there, and--
(voice, choked): Not by US, you weren't. But--I must be calm. I am going to calm down. Must do this calmly.
*pause*
(voice): Did you, or did you NOT, see ANYONE leave the...the headquarters?
Higginbottom: No one.
*uncomfortable pause*
Higginbottom, less confidently: That is--we DID see an old peddler selling pot-holders, but we didn't think--
(voice, dangerously even): That's right. You DIDN'T think.
Higginbottom: Yes, sir. Selling potholders. He left shortly after we arrived. All the neighbors said that he came there regularly on Friday mornings, and peddled to the officers.
(voice, muffled): Obviously that was his disguise. He must have been in contact with Wallace's army the whole time! This certainly changes things...
Higginbottom, respectfully: Yes, sir. I'll instruct our guards to keep a sharp eye out for him.
(voice, calmer): Very well. Did you find anything? Anything he might have left behind?
Higginbottom: Yes sir. We found an old package of--
(voice, breathless): Yes? Yes? What was it?
Higginbottom: Of crackers, sir. We thought that perhaps they weren't a clue. It WAS a Cracker Factory, sir.
(voice, thoughtfully): Yes--yeess. It WAS. Still, it might be camouflage--have them tested at once, and send me the result.
Higginbottom: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir, but the...er...the REPORT, sir.
(voice, annoyed): Well, what about it?
Higginbottom: Well, we're still on the air, sir, and I thought perhaps we ought to close this off--
(voice, surprised): On the AIR?
Higginbottom: Yes, sir, and I thought--
(voice): YOU didn't tell me we were on the AIR! Why, this was TOP SECRET information! You can't just broadcast this to everybody! Why, you--!
Higginbottom, breathlessly: I'm sorry, sir! I'm--wait, I really AM sorry sir! I'll...make it up to you, sir...*sound of chair breaking*...sir, I...HELP!! HE--
Announcer: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. We seem to have lost our connection to War Correspondent Higginbottom--we will attempt to fix the problem. In the meantime, we are bringing you a special report from the Health Council, entitled "DOES Chocolate Keep You Healthy?" Stay tuned--we'll be right back after these short messages...
War Correspondent J. Higginbottom Reporting--
Friday, May 30, 2003
J. Higginbottom: This morning, at approximately 10:30, General Shakespeare marched into Liechtenstein with his troops. The streets were lined with cheering crowds! Flags waving, troops marching, and the General brandishing his immortal pen--it was truly a momentous moment! The troops were nowhere to be seen--
(voice from the background): What--? I thought they were all marching and--
Higginbottom: William Wallace's troops. It was OUR troops that were marching and--
(voice): Oh. Well, proceed.
Higginbottom: Thank you. As I was saying, our troops were the only ones visible, in a manner of speaking. Though it had been rumored that William Wallace, that famous (or, some say, infamous) protector of Scotland, had migrated over to Liechtenstein and there amassed a great army, these reports were clearly exaggerated. When asked where Wallace's army was, the citizens of Liechtenstein refrained from comment--
(voice): Refrained?
Higginbottom: Refrained. And you instructed us NOT to use force, Mr.--
(voice): No names please.
Higginbottom. Right, sir. So we abandoned our attempts to question the Liechtensteiners, and instead made a close inspection of the enemy headquarters.
(voice, surprised): You FOUND their headquarters?
Higginbottom: Yes, sir. Yes, we found them--it, I mean. It was cleverly camouflaged as a Cracker Factory.
*pause*
(voice, quietly): A PEANUT-BUTTER Cracker Factory?
Higginbottom, surprised: Why, actually, yes, sir. It was. How did you--
(voice, even more quietly): Adjoining the Happy Egg Farm?
Higginbottom: Well, as a matter of fact, it WAS--
(voice, strangled with emotion): No. No, I won't believe it. I will NOT believe that one of our own Special Agents--
Higginbottom: Spies, sir.
(voice): --Special Agents could be so incompetent. It just isn't POSSIBLE.
Higginbottom: Sir?
(voice): Why, you idiot! You stumbled on Pieter J. L. P. E. Q. Z. E. E. C. D. S. Friedrich Alfaninffe Lancaster Limdadedude, Jr.
the III, the XIV, the L, the XXX, the XCIX, the CDLXXIII, and the MCCCLXXXVIII,
Esquire, King, Fuhrer, Magnate, Baron, Czar, Mogul, Tycoon, Monarch, Sovereign,
Despot, Duce, Tyrant, Dictator of Liechtenstein,
and Commander-in-Chief of the Massive Massed Hordes of Barbaric and Ferocious Furious Fighting Armies, Navies, Air-Forces, and Marines of Liechtenstein,
Proud Possessor of the Indocilis Refractariolus Haedilia Title as Bequeathed in Honor of Services Rendered's headquarters, and you LET HIM GET AWAY!
Higginbottom: But sir, we were told he was dead and--er...well...dead. We didn't EXPECT him to be there, and--
(voice, choked): Not by US, you weren't. But--I must be calm. I am going to calm down. Must do this calmly.
*pause*
(voice): Did you, or did you NOT, see ANYONE leave the...the headquarters?
Higginbottom: No one.
*uncomfortable pause*
Higginbottom, less confidently: That is--we DID see an old peddler selling pot-holders, but we didn't think--
(voice, dangerously even): That's right. You DIDN'T think.
Higginbottom: Yes, sir. Selling potholders. He left shortly after we arrived. All the neighbors said that he came there regularly on Friday mornings, and peddled to the officers.
(voice, muffled): Obviously that was his disguise. He must have been in contact with Wallace's army the whole time! This certainly changes things...
Higginbottom, respectfully: Yes, sir. I'll instruct our guards to keep a sharp eye out for him.
(voice, calmer): Very well. Did you find anything? Anything he might have left behind?
Higginbottom: Yes sir. We found an old package of--
(voice, breathless): Yes? Yes? What was it?
Higginbottom: Of crackers, sir. We thought that perhaps they weren't a clue. It WAS a Cracker Factory, sir.
(voice, thoughtfully): Yes--yeess. It WAS. Still, it might be camouflage--have them tested at once, and send me the result.
Higginbottom: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir, but the...er...the REPORT, sir.
(voice, annoyed): Well, what about it?
Higginbottom: Well, we're still on the air, sir, and I thought perhaps we ought to close this off--
(voice, surprised): On the AIR?
Higginbottom: Yes, sir, and I thought--
(voice): YOU didn't tell me we were on the AIR! Why, this was TOP SECRET information! You can't just broadcast this to everybody! Why, you--!
Higginbottom, breathlessly: I'm sorry, sir! I'm--wait, I really AM sorry sir! I'll...make it up to you, sir...*sound of chair breaking*...sir, I...HELP!! HE--
Announcer: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. We seem to have lost our connection to War Correspondent Higginbottom--we will attempt to fix the problem. In the meantime, we are bringing you a special report from the Health Council, entitled "DOES Chocolate Keep You Healthy?" Stay tuned--we'll be right back after these short messages...
